Trouble with Angels Read online

“I do not travel well! Unfamiliar climates disagree with my bunions,” Bacchus maintained stubbornly.

  “Wow, Bacchus! I had no idea you were so brave! Giving us that daft bunion story, when actually you want to stay and protect our home from the Hordes of the Doomed. They will definitely return to help find the Book. Staying behind alone, even though you will be incredibly out-numbered. Your courage is just so admirable!”

  “Laying it on a bit thick, aren’t you?” Nimbus whispered in Celestial’s ear.

  “This is not the time for subtlety,” she replied, as Bacchus fidgeted nervously and mumbled to himself.

  “Yes, well in my day of course. Bit of a warrior, heroic deeds and all that.” He waved an airy hand. “But now… Age has taken its toll –”

  “And senility!” Nimbus couldn’t help himself and received the swift jab of an arrow in his rear-end.

  “Hush!” Celestial murmured, as Nimbus grouchily rubbed his pin-cushioned butt. “He’s coming around.”

  “-- reflexes not what they were… Not up to rash actions … And I have my charges to consider. Can’t leave the innocent babes to fend for themselves in the big cruel world. No... No, it would be better if I accompanied them on this sojourn, provided words of wisdom and fulfilled my role as counsellor. Yes, the decision’s made then. I’m coming!” He announced the last loudly.

  “I just require a moment to gather essentials.” And Bacchus vanished, only to reappear burdened with numerous packages and bundled sacks strapped across his body. A wooden yoke draped with flagons, bunches of drying herbs, strings of berries, an assortment of spare sashes to decorate his robes and one large dead peacock, protruded from both shoulders.

  “What in the Seven Wonders of the Ancient World are you carrying?” raged Celestial.

  “Supplies,” he said defensively. “I don’t think ambrosia is available on Earth. Just in case that’s where we end up. And they really do a lousy deep-fried peacock!”

  Nimbus snickered, thinking their guardian looked like a comical scarecrow overloaded with hanging fruit bats. There was, however, nothing comical about Celestial’s reaction.

  “Unbelievable! Well if you pack it, you carry it! And if you slow us down, we will leave you behind! So--”

  “Err,” Nimbus thwarted what would undoubtedly prove an extended tirade. “Now seems like a great time to inquire as to destination?”

  “Yes!” Celestial said. “Where do you recommend we go, Bacchus? That is if you’re not too loaded to move!”

  “I wish I was loaded,” he grumbled resentfully. “As you know, only the Most High can read the Book of Lore in its entirety. They alone are worthy of all its knowledge. The Book shows to others precisely what’s required knowledge for each rank. Cherubs, for instance, are privy to the Rules for Fledgling Angels. I can access Rules for Fledging Angels and Their Guardians, and some other chapters on catering for large functions and party decoration for community gatherings. The Book may shed light on what is happening, because even the Fallen are somewhat bound by its laws.” Bacchus looked relieved to exercise his usefulness for once. “So, I suggest we visit the only other translator of tongues available in the Elders’ absence. Jinx!”

  Nimbus let out an agonised groan, but Celestial was clearly pleased. “That’s brilliant! I love the highlands of Papua New Guinea at this time of year. I have just the hat!”

  “Please, please! Don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine!” Nimbus laid on the melodrama. “Does anybody remember I’m not immune to Jinx’s bad luck? How could we forget the treasured occasion, without unleashing an arrow mind you, I had to fend off an extended family of love-crazed porcupines! I was pulling out quills for a month. Can someone please inform me of the purpose of such prickly animals?”

  “Yes, but --”

  “No, please allow me to continue, Celestial. Then, there was the time I came back from her house with a severe speech impediment. I swore like a demon every time I blinked for five whole days!” Nimbus’s voice was tinged with hysteria. “As penance for my potty-mouth I had to clean out Jupiter’s spittoon with a cotton bud and no powers. And he did not stop using it in the process! Have you seen how big that thing is? I almost drowned in phlegm! Or the facial fungus; I sprouted blue fur and had to shave six times a day! Or, and I’m leaving the best for last --”

  “Enough already!” Celestial thundered. “I’m sorry for your woes, Nimbus, I really am. But this is more important than you, or I, or Bacchus. Besides, I have heard some Angels grow into their immunity and it has been a while since we’ve seen Jinx. Maybe, you’ll be fine this time.”

  “Celestial’s right my boy. We must face our fears in order to overcome them.”

  Nimbus rolled his eyes at this trite lesson from Good Angelling 101. Clearly, Bacchus had never confronted a rabid gang of porcupines obsessed with obtaining a particular Cherub for a mate!

  “Okay. I hope you’re right about this, Celestial.” Nimbus secretly thought that knowing his luck around Jinx, this would be a rare case of her getting it wrong. “Let’s go then,” he said grudgingly.

  Just as they were poised to leave, the Cherubs taking the lead, there was a gigantic crash. They spun to see Bacchus sprawled face first on the ground, his big backside in the air and his arms flailing, his head stuck in the peacock carcass. One of his sashes -- a fluorescent pink and yellow polka-dotted number -- had tangled about his knobbly knees with disastrous effect. Muffled yells could be heard through bird flesh.

  “Quick! He’ll suffocate in there!” Celestial rushed to his aid.

  She yanked and pulled, one foot jammed on his shoulder, until Bacchus’s head re-emerged with a loud pop! Nimbus remained on the side-lines, stifling amusement. He received a mutinous grimace from a hassled-looking Bacchus.

  “Most generous, Celestial. Many thanks.”

  Nimbus feigned innocence. “I just thought facing the inside of a peacock’s butt might resemble facing your fears.”

  After Celestial stripped Bacchus of considerable baggage -- he was left with only one flagon of ambrosia and a plain spare sash for his robe (with many objections and grumbles like; “I do hope we don’t dine out. I’ll be underdressed!”) -- they were finally off in the tiny twinkle of a baby’s eye.

  The trio arrived at the bottom of a steep hill, faced with a narrow path that carved windingly up through dense rainforest. The sounds of exotic birds whooping high in the trees met their ears. The air was laden with the mingled scents of tropical flowers. Nimbus became increasingly jittery.

  “Maybe I can stay down here and you two can get the information?”

  Celestial stared pointedly at him through a gauzy screen. “Stop being such a coward. We all need to hear this. Now, come on!”

  Admittedly, Nimbus thought it impossible to take her usual unyielding tone seriously, given Celestial balanced what appeared to be a humongous tortoise shell on her head, complete with dangling corks and camouflaged mosquito netting draped to her shoulders. He refrained from laughing with great difficulty. Her attempts at haute couture fashion were a somewhat hit and miss affair.

  Half a slowly trudged hour later with much complaining from a sweaty and breathless Bacchus, forced to endure unceasing “I told-you-so’s” on the merits of lighter packing from Celestial, Jinx’s heavily fortified stone compound came into view. She chose such isolation as much to protect others, as for the unbelievable views over a vast unspoilt wilderness. Jinx favoured the Corporeal Realm and lived on Earth. Although, Nimbus had heard unconfirmed rumours the Greek deity of war, Athena, politely suggested relocation on account of the fact many more of her soldiers tripped and mortally fell on their swords when Jinx was nearby.

  She welcomed them enthusiastically at the door. Cleopatra stole her look off the wall from a shrine in Egypt: pitch beaded hair, wrapped layers of sheer material covering her body and numerous articles of chunky gold jewellery. “Come in, come in! It’s been so long since I’ve had visitors!”

  “I wonder why,” Nim
bus grouched unkindly.

  He lagged behind Celestial as a safeguard when they entered. He noticed Jinx no longer jingled, unencumbered in her own home by the bells that usually cautioned the unwary of her approach.

  “Bacchus too! Wonderful! Oh, and thank you for the you know-what’s you sent.” She winked at him confidentially, her black eyes sparkling.

  “Not at all, any time!” he beamed.

  Distrust ruled Celestial’s features. Bacchus was known to trade in suspect relics, some of which were outright illegal. He once foolishly attempted to sell Poseidon’s storm-trident, believing it to be a replica, and received two weeks in the watery depths supervising the God of the Seas’ pet Kraken for his troubles. Bacchus still broke out in nervous hives at the merest mention of the word ‘squid’.

  “Please, have a seat. Nice hat, Celestial!”

  Celestial flushed. “Do you think so?” she said, pulling the netting to the top of the curve so that she now resembled a Bedouin with the world’s largest turban.

  Nimbus was too busy fretting to notice. Bacchus very considerately averted his gaze and cleared his throat behind a hand. They seated themselves on benches surrounding a long table, with Nimbus positioned as far as possible from Jinx at the other end.

  She peered at him apologetically. “I’m so sorry about the noses, Nimbus!”

  On their last trip, Nimbus sprouted noses all over his body giving him an unpleasantly acute sense of smell. “There are some odours that should never be sniffed,” he muttered darkly.

  Without permitting him further scope to elaborate, Celestial launched straight into their reason for coming. “We need you to interpret the Book of Lore for us. There’s something terrible happening upstairs. The Elders have disappeared!”

  “Blessed me!” Jinx exclaimed.

  “It is a rather long and stirring story,” Bacchus interrupted. “May I suggest some fortifying nutrition to ease the telling? Possibly some honeyed wine?”

  Nimbus leaped to his feet. Several of his feathers dislodged and floated breezily about. “I’ll get it! I haven’t cooked for a while.”

  He left for the kitchen with only a minor stumble, one rebound off the wall and a single shattered pottery vase, which Jinx put right in a flash. He returned relatively unscathed with several minor burns and an eye-patch covering a watering left eye (Jinx’s extra hot chilli powder had toppled from an overhead shelf), to place a large terrine and ladle on the table.

  “Tortellini and chocolate sauce!”

  Everybody except Celestial busied themselves sorting napkins and cutlery and filling bowls. She leaned out from the table, avidly inspecting something on the ground that trailed from the kitchen.

  “Do you think it needs shredded coconut?” Nimbus queried, more feathers hovering around his head. “Oh, and I think I made the eternal pilot flame go out on your oven, Jinx.” There was sudden silence and Nimbus looked up to a circle of faces frozen in alarm.

  “Umm, you’re shedding dear boy,” Bacchus said, pointing uncertainly at Nimbus’s right wing.

  Jinx appeared truly distressed. Slowly, Nimbus spread the indicated wing out to its full extension, staring straight ahead as a deluge of feathers invaded the room. Every individual feather avalanched to the floor. Jinx gasped.

  “Don’t look, Nimbus!” Celestial advised, readjusting her features in a cheerful, if not entirely convincing, smile. “It’s normal to moult… Now and then… For some… On one wing…”

  “How bad is it?” he asked dully, receiving the less than positive news in their expressions. He visibly steeled himself and turned to his wing.

  “Agghh!” What had been densely covered in lustrous, startlingly white, downy feathers, now resembled a plucked turkey wing. “Not feather-rot!” He collapsed pathetically to his chair and put his head in his hands. “Cover me, I’m hideous,” he wailed, sounding not unlike the girl he’d accidentally shot with his arrow the day before.

  Celestial sighed at Nimbus’s histrionics. “If the past is anything to go by, this will be temporary, Nimbus. Here have some tortellini.”

  She eyed the contents of the bowl doubtfully but refrained from making matters worse by crushing his deluded faith in his own cooking ability. Dislodging her unwieldy hat to place it on a sideboard, she flickered next to Nimbus, producing a white cotton sheet and gently wrapping the offending limb in a sling. She patted him bracingly.

  He snuffled and commenced eating glumly while the others spoke. Bacchus quietly prevented Jinx from apologising again to avoid traumatising Nimbus further, and encouraged her to start on the Book by pushing it her way. She placed a hand on the cover and it grew enormously from a slim diary-sized volume to a huge fat version covering almost a third of the table.

  “I’m not allowed to share knowledge with you that you don’t have access to, but I can place you on the road that will move you from ignorance to illumination.” Jinx closed her eyes, scanning to and fro beneath their lids. They snapped open. “The answers lie in the Cave of Unknowns. You are granted three questions each over a lifetime, so you must choose them carefully.”

  “Excellent!” Celestial exclaimed. “Surely with nine questions between us we can sort the Sacred from the Heathens and discover what’s going on!” Bacchus cleared his throat and looked decidedly shifty. Celestial paid no attention. “Where is the Cave?” she asked.

  “That is unknown,” Jinx replied mystically.

  Celestial snorted in frustration and started to vent her feelings when Bacchus cleared his throat again. “I know where the Cave of Unknowns is located,” he said miserably.

  Celestial glared at him suspiciously. “I imagine I’m going to regret this. Have you been there, Bacchus?”

  “Three times,” said Bacchus guiltily. “It’s a bit of a story, actually --”

  “We’ll have the express version, please!” Celestial snapped.

  He continued in a monotone. “Hermes and I had a wager on what remains in Pandora’s Box, after all her evils are expelled. I thought that my guess of a double-cheese pizza might not be quite correct. So I did a bit of research. Turns out it’s hope, of course. Made a tidy sum, too,” he reminisced, clearly please with himself.

  “You cheated, and you wasted a question.” Celestial glowered dangerously at him. “And!?”

  “I desired to know how to get a date with a very attractive Valkyrie. She had the most magnificent jerkins! That was a bit of an ordeal really. Turns out you need to be a Viking slain in battle.”

  Jinx shifted uncomfortably in the background. Celestial’s eyes faded to a threatening storm-cloud grey, her temper seriously close to igniting.

  “Please inform me, of all the infinite grand and important questions available, which would an undeserving wretch such as yourself waste his final privileged gift on?”

  Her teeth ground together. Bacchus winced.

  “Tantalus refused to give me his recipe for deep-fried peacock.”

  Nimbus spoke. “I’ve had a thought.”

  “So that makes just the one then? Good for you, it’s critical to begin somewhere.”

  Celestial tried for levity to boost Nimbus’s flattened self-esteem, while hurling spears at Bacchus with every glance. Nimbus smiled faintly, almost tempted to make fun of her hat but maturely rising above his petty urges. “Jam and Ram will go back to Huitaca’s and we won’t be there. They’ll put ‘Holy’ and ‘Grail’ together and come after us like King Arthur on the Crusades.”

  “You’re right, Nimbus.” Celestial was crestfallen. “We’ve put Jinx in deadly peril!”

  Jinx laughed heartily. “Thanks for the concern, Celestial. They have more to fear from me than me from them. Those black-hearted puppets have never been here. They won’t have a scrap of immunity at all. Now hurry away before they arrive and remember, choose your questions well.”

  Nimbus experienced fleeting sympathy for Jam and Ram, despite their attempt to behead him. His eye throbbed painfully, competing with an assor
tment of bruises, and his wing hung limp and featherless by his side, naked for the world to see.

  ***

  Chapter Four

  Three Questions